Divorce Recovery: How to Obtain an “Emotional Divorce” Transcript

DIVORCE RECOVERY: How to Obtain an “Emotional Divorce”

Hello, EVERYONE! My name is Stephanie Eissinger.

Welcome to the Divorce Recovery: How to Obtain an “Emotional Divorce” Webinar. I am really glad all of you are here. I’m excited to be sharing this information with you because I know JUST HOW POWERFUL it is! Going through a divorce can be a very difficult time. Divorce stirs up a lot of toxic feelings that can include anger, anxiety, fear, stress, depression, hurt, shame, guilt, loneliness & feelings of rejection & abandonment. All of these emotions can be a normal part of the divorce process, but holding on to them is toxic for you. Toxic can be defined as “acting as or having the effect of a poison.” Long term effects of holding on to toxic emotions can take a toll on an individual’s physical health, but it can also wreak havoc on them emotionally, mentally and behaviorally. Before, during & after the actual divorce decree is finalized, your emotions can be all over the place, your thoughts negatively skewed, and your behavior can be completely irrational & out of character.

Divorce needs to be viewed as a process, not just an event. There is a legal part to the process and an equally important emotional part to the process. Both parts need to be navigated well if you want to successfully recover from Divorce. By being proactive in how you deal with the whole process gives you some control over your life and how the situation unfolds. You can drag it out, putting your future on hold and stay immersed in misery or you can take the bull by the horns and do what is necessary to live happier now & in the future.

I want to congratulate all of you…you have taken an enormous step toward obtaining an “emotional divorce” and getting rid of the overwhelmingly painful & toxic feelings by registering for and attending this Webinar. You will discover how to change how you feel & think about your situation & you will begin the process of letting go of the past and moving on to a bright & beautiful future.

Jean Kerr put it this way: “Divorce is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right & to the left.” If the information provided in this webinar is faithfully utilized, it can help you start to recover from this feeling & help you heal in a way that you don’t carry an open or festering wound into any future relationships.

This Webinar is designed for…

Individuals who are divorced or divorcing & who are ready to release their toxic emotions & regain control over their lives.

It is for individuals who are ready & willing to take responsibility for their own thoughts & feelings & who are ready to make positive changes in their lives.

It is for individuals who want to act with integrity, regardless of the circumstances.

This Webinar is for…

Individuals who refuse to allow their lives to continue to be torn apart by a relationship that no longer exists.

Individuals who want to let go of the past & live happier, more productive lives that enable them to build an AWESOME future.

This Webinar is especially designed for individuals who want to refocus their energy in a positive, forward moving direction & get beyond the pain, anger & turmoil of Divorce…BUT JUST DON’T KNOW HOW!

In the next 45 minutes I’m going to tell you:

  • How to release your TOXIC feelings without self-medicating. (without alcohol, drugs, or food to numb your emotions.)

  • How to Let Go of the Past & & move forward to a happier, healthier future. (Holding on to what once was makes it impossible to let go & move on.)

We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

I’m going to tell you:

  • How to take healthy, proactive actions in the present.
  • How to counter self-defeating thoughts & behavior.

  • How to rebuild your life post-divorce.

I promise that if you stick with me until the end of this webinar, I will show you how to release toxic emotions, to let go of the past, & take positive actions to develop an awesome vision for the future.

There is nothing for sale on this Webinar, but, if you stick with me, I will provide you with a link to an invaluable article on Recognizing Toxic Behavior that will help you determine if you are allowing toxic people to infect your life.

If you are being honest with yourself…Does this sound like you???

Are you wondering what’s wrong with you that you couldn’t make the relationship work & if you will always be alone?

Are you experiencing a roller coaster of emotions or are you bogged down with depression or consumed by anger?

Are negative thoughts fueling your behavior?

Are you anxious, or even terrified about the unknowns in your future?

Are you paralyzed by your thoughts & emotions to the point that you are not looking out for your own best interests?

Or, are your thoughts & emotions driving you to revengeful behavior?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR LIFE IS IN CONSTANT TURMOIL?

If this is how you feel, I have GOOD NEWS for you. NONE of these are the problem. The REAL problem is that you don’t know the “secret” to living a happier life. I’m going to tell you what that secret is in just a moment.

Once you know the secret…

  • You’ll have control over how you feel.

  • You’ll be able to counter negative, self-defeating thoughts & beliefs.

  • You will be able to banish the fears you have about the unknowns in your future.

Once you know the secret…

  • You will have motivation to let go of your anger & any need for “revenge.”

  • You will act with integrity & self-confidence.

  • You’ll have effective, healthy strategies to deal with negative situations in your present & your future.

The Only Thing You Need to Know is…

There are 3 Key Strategies you can apply to move beyond the anger & pain of your Divorce & take the vital steps to create the future of your dreams.

And, I’m going to show you the 3 Key Strategies today.

But first, let me take a moment to tell you a little bit about myself and just why the heck you should listen to me.

WHO I AM…

I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has taught Divorce/Relationship Recovery classes for over 12 years.

I am also a Certified Professional Coach who focuses on Divorce/Relationship Recovery, Loss & Empowerment issues.

My specialty is empowering individuals to develop healthy strategies to deal with life’s challenges & to tap into their power to attract beautiful people & beautiful things into their lives.

Those are some of my professional qualifications, but, on a more personal note…let me share with you a little bit about my own experiences with Divorce Recovery & letting go of the past.

I wasn’t always the strong, confident & successful woman I am today.

I grew up with two emotionally unavailable parents. I witnessed my mother’s slide into depression as the result of an emotionally crippling marriage. Her fear of what others would think & the strong messages she received from her mother made her feel like she had to stay in the marriage even though she was being severely damaged by doing so. She had inherited the core belief “you made your bed, now lie in it.” She also had the misconception that she needed to stay for my brother’s and my sake, not realizing the detrimental effect it was having on us. When I was 18, she was finally able to find the courage to say “I deserve better”. With my support & the support of loving friends, she eventually sought a divorce.

My mother was too immersed in her own emotional pain & depression to be available to emotionally support or protect me while I was young. Coupled with my father’s lack of emotional attachment it created an empty void inside of me that I was ill-equipped to fill. My neediness led me to marry someone who was toxic for me even though the red flags were evident. The marriage was a disaster & ended when I had a life-altering, “out of body” experience in which had the strange sensation of hovering over myself as I sat crying on the floor of our bedroom & didn’t even recognize myself. In a few, short months, I had become a terrified shadow of my former self & had given up everything in an attempt to make my marriage work. It seems that even though I was my mother’s strongest advocate in her need to get out of a damaging relationship, I too, had inherited the belief that “I had made my bed & must lie in it”.

For the first time since I was a little girl, I reached out to my mother for the support & unconditional love I needed…and, this time she was able to provide it. She had since found a wonderful man who treated us both as precious additions to his life. Their love & support helped me to get out of my abusive marriage & begin to heal my broken heart.

Unfortunately, although I had learned many valuable lessons, I had not yet learned the keys to having a healthy partnership or to filling my own emotional void. I did not take enough time to become “whole” before I got married again. My second marriage quickly become one of habit, security, & indifference…we became two ships passing in the night, not even invested enough in the relationship to fight. It was too good to leave, but not good enough to generate happiness, support love, or be a true partnership. It wasn’t until I began to see a pattern in the stories of the individuals I was working with professionally that I began to take note of the true keys to having a happy, healthy relationship & to apply them consistently in my own life. The number one thing I had to do was work on myself first.

I took 12 years before I decided to get married again. I am now blessed to be married to a man who loves me for who I am, faults & all, who supports & encourages me to pursue all of my life goals, & who is my partner in all ways essential to a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Suffice it to say…I had to learn how to go of the past & heal myself by trial & error…and…IT TOOK YEARS! So, take the wisdom I am offering & find the courage to apply it to your own life. I don’t want you to have to wait that long to find your happy future!!!

I am invested in helping you to find your path to a future filled with peace & happiness!

Okay, I promised to show you the secret to Obtaining an Emotional Divorce.

The next portion of the Webinar focuses on…

Discovering The 3 Key Strategies for an Awesome Recovery…

Over the years I have had the chance to work with lots of people, some of the people I’ve worked with have had extraordinary break-throughs that were life-changing.

Some of the people I’ve worked with have had pretty good results & have been able to move on & have a good life.

And some of the people I’ve worked with didn’t get results & stayed stuck in their pain & depression & continued to attract the same type of relationships.

When I began looking at these people’s progress, the progress of my colleagues’ clients, & my own journey, I discovered that the people who made the biggest difference in their lives, the ones with the greatest progress were doing these 3 very specific things consistently, enthusiastically, & without looking back.

The people who were able to successfully recover from the pain of Divorce & go on to have AMAZING lives, the ones able to go from being Divorce Survivors to individuals who are thriving were the ones who embraced these strategies & used them moment by moment, day by day…consistently no matter how tough it got.

You, too, can go from a place where you are merely SURVIVING to a place where you are THRIVING. A place where you feel “whole” again. A place where you are happy, self-confident, future-oriented, & know exactly who you are & have what you want in your life.

There are 3 Key strategies you must apply in order to move from surviving a Divorce to thriving in all areas of your life.

And I am going to walk you through all 3 of them right now.

Key Strategy # 1: RELEASE THE PAINFUL & TOXIC FEELINGS

Common feelings related to a devastating relationship break up can have detrimental physical affects.

Research has linked heart disease, stress, cancer, heart attacks, and strokes to unexpressed toxic feelings like anger, anxiety, guilt & depression.

If you are able to master the key strategy of releasing your painful & toxic feelings…

You will take a healthy step toward preventing the physical ailments that holding on to toxic feelings can contribute to.

You will release the toxic feelings & open yourself up to feeling joy & love again.

You will be comfortable expressing all of your emotions.

You will avoid experiencing negative consequences of your toxic emotions coming out “sideways.”

Your world will be bright again & you will be excited about what the future holds for you.

If you do NOT master the key strategy of releasing your painful & toxic feelings…

You will continue to stay stuck in depression, become increasingly anxious, falling deeper & deeper into loneliness & despair.

You will damage existing relationships when your toxic feelings lead you to overreact to situations.

You will isolate yourself & narrow your world until all you can envision is a bleak future with no promise of happiness.

You will feel the an empty void inside you growing…threatening to consume you.

You will become involved in another relationship before you are ready OR you will avoid relationships altogether.

Here’s how to release painful feelings:

  1. Realize that feelings in & of themselves are not bad. (They are what color our world & make us human.)

  2. Understand that we need the experience of negative feelings in order to fully appreciate the positive ones. (Imagine having Christmas every day with a loving family & no worries…after a while it wouldn’t feel normal…and then boring…and then blah…no longer would the wonderful feelings feel as good.)

  3. Accept uncomfortable & painful feelings as normal, allow yourself to feel them, express them, and then LET THEM GO!

    I can remember a time during my second marriage when I was feeling completely overwhelmed by my feelings of resentment and loneliness and it seemed like my two girls were bound & determined to act like little monsters…they were 2 & 3 at the time. I was on the verge of taking my toxic feelings out on them & reacting to their behavior in a way that I would be ashamed of…so, I told them both to just sit there for a minute & I would be right back. I went upstairs into the bathroom & shut the door. I let out a scream that came from somewhere deep inside of me, all the while visualizing all my painful feelings flowing out with the power of my scream. Immediately I felt better…calmer, more peaceful, lighter…

I went back out to deal with my children’s behavior. They stared up at me with great big eyes. I smiled, told them that “mommy just needed to let off some steam” and then told them that they had both earned some “mommy time”. They looked as skeptical as two young girls can look, but we went on to have a wonderful end to our day.

Use whatever means of expression is most powerful for you, whether is is verbally expressing your feelings to someone you trust, through writing poems or journaling, painting, drawing, or even making a collage…the most important part to remember is that you MUST FULLY EXPRESS your feelings & get them outside of yourself in order to Let Them Go.

Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.”

Releasing your angry & painful feelings frees you to think positively about your present & your future.

It allows you room for positive, energizing thoughts that lead to great decisions & a strong desire to protect yourself & build your future.

You will be filled with renewed hope & ready to discover who you are now so you can follow your dreams.

Think of the Acronym for HOPE being as follows:

H=Having

O=Only

P=Positive

E=Expectations

Key Strategy #2: SHIFT HOW YOU THINK

Your relationship ending is NOT the problem.

The PROBLEM is how you THINK about the relationship ending.

How we think determines how we feel; how we feel determines how we think; & how we think determines the actions we take that create our lives.

Think of feelings or emotions being at the top of a triangle with thoughts and behaviors being at each of the bottom angles. If you change one of these, it affects the other two. So, by changing our thoughts we can change our feelings and that will affect our behavior…OR…we could change our behavior and that would affect our thoughts & subsequently our feelings.

An example might help to clarify how this works: Think of the following scenario…

A farmer is in the middle of harvesting his crop when he wakes up one morning to rain pouring down outside. He cusses the rain…thinking of how much time will be wasted, of how the harvest crew will be sitting around with nothing to do, and of the fact that he cannot pay his bills until the crop is in. He starts to feel anxious, worried, frustrated & angry and when his wife smiles at him, tells him good morning & asks if he’d like a second cup of coffee he SNAPS at her and cusses the weather & the wasted day.

His wife instantly feels hurt & rejected, thinking “I am unimportant…the crops are more important than I am.” She turns to leave the room…but, then she remembers that she ultimately has control over how she feels. She turns back to her husband & says, “I’m sorry the rain has ruined your plans for the day, but I have missed you & am glad that we have a chance to spend some time together today…What would you like to do with our day?” She immediately feels happier & more confident.

The farmer, in surprise, considers his wife’s words. He begins to think of how nice it would be to spend time with her too and that he really would like to get some things done around the house for her that she has needed done. He begins to feel less anxious & frustrated & starts to look forward to the day. He smiles & says, “I think I will have that second cup of coffee after all.”

The wife’s decision to change how she responded to her husband, quickly changed the situation from one that would drive a wedge between them, to one in which they had the opportunity to grow closer as a couple.

It is how our thoughts, feelings & actions affect each other that creates how we experience our lives.

You didn’t realize you had so much control over you life, did you? We are truly amazing beings, we need only tap into our power to make big changes in our lives.

If you master this key strategy of shifting how you think…

You will be able to reframe how you view ANY problem that comes up in your life as a challenge & you will be able to face it head on.

You will see the positives of the Divorce.

You will forgive yourself & the other person – freeing you to take away what you want & leave behind the rest.

You will feel confident in your ability to secure your own future & find lasting love.

If you do NOT master this key strategy…

You will continue to see your Divorce as a terrible tragedy that you may never recover from.

You will perpetuate a negative way of viewing relationships, yourself, & the world around you.

You will stay angry or depressed & miserable.

You will be UNABLE to attract the type of relationship you have always desired & will carry your relationship baggage with you.

Here’s how to Shift Your Thinking:

  1. Shift your thinking from the past to the present & the future.

  2. Shift your thinking from the potential problems in the future to the POTENTIAL in your future vision. (You cannot think of or solve all potential future problems – it is a waste of time & energy to worry about what may never happen. It does make sense however to think about the most likely problems that may crop up & develop an ACTION Plan to deal with them…this will actually decrease your anxiety about the future.)

  3. Understand that you POWER is in the present. (That is where you can Plan & make the changes you want & need to make.)

  4. Shift your thinking from a negative focus to a positive focus. (You will bring into your life what you focus on)

Shifting how you think will increase your ability to fully release the Toxic & painful feelings & focus your thoughts on what you want in your future.

BY DOING THE EMOTIONAL & COGNITIVE WORK I HAVE SUGGESTED SO FAR, YOU WILL HAVE BEGUN THE PROCESS OF LETTING GO OF THE PAST AND MAKING ROOM FOR A BRAND NEW FUTURE.

Key Strategy #3: DEVELOP AN ACTION PLAN

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Part of any successful endeavor is the development of a detailed Action Plan that provides a road map to get to the desired outcome.

In your case, developing a plan for the present & the future definitely qualifies as an undertaking in which you want a SUCCESSFUL outcome!

If you master this key strategy of Developing an Action Plan…

You will make decisions with confidence & your end goal in mind.

You will reach your end goal much quicker & easier, not allowing yourself to become distracted along the way.

You will be empowered to act on your OWN choices & not just react to situations as they arise.

You will envision your future & take steps to achieve it.

If you do NOT master this key strategy…

You will make decisions that are counter productive to your desired outcome.

Your journey to your desired future will lack direction…you may become lost along the way or end up taking paths that are winding and longer are more arduous than necessary.

You will be unsure of yourself & too easily swayed by fleeting emotions.

You will be unclear on what you want in your future & not know the steps to take to get there.

Here’s how to Develop an Action Plan:

  1. Decide what your goals are for the present & the future. Prioritize.

  2. Pick 3 to work on. This could be a combination of short & long term goals.

  3. Develop SMART goals, listing specific steps needed to achieve goal. (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-Framed)

  4. Find someone to help you hold yourself accountable to taking ACTION!

**This could be a mentor, counselor, life coach, etc. Someone you trust who will support you yet be truthful with you.

Revise your goals if necessary. Be flexible in the path to reaching your goals but not in your determination.

Developing an Action Plan with SMART goals will enable you to meet life’s challenges & focus on positive, future-oriented thoughts & actions.

**You will be able to deal with toxic feelings, not afraid to express them, not needing to hold onto them because you know that emotions are fleeting & that you are proactively working on positive actions that will make your life better in the present & the future.

**You will not see yourself as a victim, you will be motivated to move on without dragging baggage from the past with you. You will be wiser & happier as you celebrate your Divorce Recovery progress and come to know with a profound certainty that being divorced does not define who you are…it is merely a part of your journey.

To illustrate the power of these 3 key strategies, I’d like to share the story of a former client. I’ll call her Jan.

When I first met her, Jan was…

  • self medicating with drugs & alcohol, attempting to numb her pain & fill the empty void she felt inside of her

  • She was debilitated by a negative self-image & depression

  • She was engaging in a self-destructive pattern of behavior, not caring enough to protect herself

  • And, she was feeling worthless

After Jan’s Divorce she began to experience a downward spiral that had led to a series of toxic “relationships” & one night stands & to her feeling hopeless & helpless.

But, By Applying these 3 key strategies…

Jan BECAME….

  • Able to pull herself out of her depression.

  • Able to release the painful & toxic feelings generated from her past & her divorce.

  • Able to embrace the future she could now envision for herself.

  • Able to see the value in her self & the wisdom she gained from her experiences.

Armed with these 3 key strategies & with a lot of support & coaching, Jan…

Let go of her past & made room for new thoughts, feelings & behavior.

She Quit self-medicating with drugs & alcohol.

She Enrolled in school to pursue the career of her dreams.

And, she met a man who treated her like every woman deserves to be treated…with love, respect & mutual care.

In Summary:

Jan’s story illustrates how powerful consistently using the 3 key strategies is in helping individuals move away from their place of darkness & toward a bright, beautiful future filled with love, peace & hope.

Jan’s choice to embrace the help of a coach who believed in her innate ability to determine what was best for herself & who kept her focused on her goals & dreams helped speed her divorce recovery.

Let me tell you another story, this time about a man named Daniel.

When I first met Daniel, he was…

-Angry about child support & his ex-wife’s infidelity.

-Drinking every night with sympathetic friends that he didn’t have the kids.

-Neglecting things that used to be important to him.

-Exhibiting poor work performance.

Daniel was…

-Stuffing & numbing his toxic feelings, trying to pretend that he felt nothing but anger & betrayal.

-Feeling guilty deep down because he had neglected his former wife & his marriage.

-Entrenched in the role of being “the victim.”

-Lying to himself…about his feelings & his responsibility in the disintegration of his marriage.

Daniel was holding on to his anger to avoid dealing with the underlying feelings of guilt, shame & hurt. The anger was more acceptable to him & gave him a false sense of power.

By applying these 3 key strategies…

Daniel became able to let go of his anger.

Able to release other painful & toxic feelings.

Able to embrace the future he could now envision for himself.

Able to admit his part in the disintegration of his marriage.

Armed with these 3 key strategies…

Daniel let go of the past.

He quit avoiding his underlying feelings.

He let go of his anger, forgiving himself & his ex-wife.

And, he started to envision a brand new future.

In summary:

Daniel’s story illustrates how powerful using the 3 key strategies is in helping individuals let go of their anger & guilt & take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings & actions.

Daniel also chose to engage in Life Coaching in order to move on & start over. He took positive actions to develop an Action Plan for the future & move beyond his anger & guilt. He became focused on what he wanted in his life & has since met a woman who brings out the very best in him.

How Life Coaching can help you let go & move on…

Life Coaching provides structure, support, education, & accountability.

Life Coaching is focused on helping individuals find their own answers & not looking for solutions outside of themselves.

Life Coaching is about empowering individuals to build something new.

Earlier I promised to tell you…

  • How to release pain your toxic & painful feelings without self-medicating. (w/o using alcohol, drugs or food to numb the pain)

  • How to let go of the past & be able to move forward to a happier, healthier life.

  • How to take healthy, proactive actions in the present.

  • How to counter negative thoughts & behavior.

  • How to rebuild your life post-divorce.

What you need to to do to Let Go & Move On…

To recover faster & more successfully from a Divorce:

  1. You need to RELEASE the Toxic & painful feelings & make room for happiness. (Bring HOPE back into your life.)

  2. You need to SHIFT how you think, focusing on positive thoughts & your future.

  3. You need to DEVELOP an Action Plan, strengthening your resolve to take actions that will bring love & joy into your life.

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” Lao Tzu

Now you have a choice…

You can take this information & file it away, intending to use it but not taking any action…and, you can stay “stuck” were you are, mired down in unhappiness, anger, depression & grief, hanging onto a past that no longer exists. You can be a Survivor or a Thriver…

But…you were drawn to this Webinar for a reason…you want to feel better NOW and you want renewed HOPE for a brighter tomorrow. You can find all the excuses in the book why not to take action, (not enough time, it’s selfish to invest in myself, change is too hard, etc.)

As David Roads put it, “You cannot always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump.”

I challenge you to JUMP….

OR…you can take this extraordinary opportunity to OBTAIN AN EMOTIONAL DIVORCE, become more self-aware & make changes that help you create the life that you’ve always wanted, always dreamed of, always deserved!

You can become a powerful change agent for your life.

If you take this opportunity, You will have confidence in your own abilities to have a great career, the romantic relationship of your choosing, & a sense of purpose as you pursue your dreams.

How I Can Help…

If that’s what you want, then I have an offer for you. I’ve set aside time in the next week to talk with you about how you can start applying these strategies in your life right away.

The Cost: FREE

I have provided you with 3 general strategies, but, the truth is, everyone’s situation is different, even if it looks similar on the surface. The call will help you individualize these strategies to focus on your particular needs & to provide you with a way to go more in depth on how to do this.

The cost is totally free.

But here’s the catch…

This is NOT for everyone.

Who this is for:

  • Individuals who are ABSOLUTELY committed to making positive changes in your life.

  • Individuals who are willing to take responsibility & immediate action.

  • Individuals who are open & willing to learn & to do the hard work required.

  • Individuals who are TOTALLY committed to investing in themselves.

Now you are probably asking yourself, “just why the heck is she doing this?”

Why I am Doing This…

  • On the call, I’ll help you get total clarity about EXACTLY what you want your life to be like, & the EXACT steps you should take to achieve your goals.

  • If you want me to help you, & if I think you are a good “fit”, I may invite you to become one of the new clients I’ll take on this month.

  • I will take you through the same steps I offer my One on One coaching clients but in a shorter time-frame so you can feel better much faster & begin living your dreams.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? Get started right away! Take this EXTRAORDINARY opportunity to invest in yourself & work toward an emotional divorce.

I’d like to leave you with this final thought:

Life goes on…whether you choose to move on & take a chance on the unknown OR stay behind, locked in the past, thinking of what could have been.” My Dear Valentine

It’s your choice, but I sincerely hope that I will be talking to you very soon.

Go to my Scheduling Page and Sign Up for a FREE Consultation Call RIGHT NOW! You won’t regret investing in yourself and your future happiness!!

As promised, here is the Link to the Article Resource on Recognizing Toxic Behavior.